What Is It That Makes a Life?
Oh, so I see that my last post was written in January, so I'm not doing TOO bad on blog upkeep, but it's still not ideal. I'm an aspiring writer but also a perfectionist and a little afraid of success or failure (who knows), so I do not write as much as I ought.
I have a lot of exciting things on my plate at the moment, and I'm a bit in a tizzy on how to handle them all! I'm looking for my next step come this fall as well as trying to maintain an active teaching certificate, searching for a lucrative part time job, and trying to pursue my dream of being paid to write (AT LAST!)
If I've learned anything from these past months of return and reassimilation, it is this cliche: C'est la vie: Thus is life. It took a lot of hard accepting and understanding to come to this realization, but it has given me such an unbelievable freedom, that I don't quite know how to proceed with it. (typical me: at a loss). I used to think, and sometimes still do, that one day, not so very far off, I will step into my perfect self, the self I always dreamed of. I would wake up, and all would be well. The sun would be gleaming in on my perfectly white, clean, organized, and beautifully furnished bedroom. I would rise feeling so completely rested and excited to begin my day. My hair would just be wonderful, and I'd know exactly what to do with it. My makeup and outfit would be superb. I'd go and cook the most amazing breakfast that was both healthful and delicious. I would have so much time to do so, and then I would go and work at a job that I was good at and knew everything about and that made me a lot of money and that I loved. I would be in a location that I always wanted to be in. My friends would always think I was kind and hilarious, and I would help people and know about everything in the world and BLAH BLAH BLAH. This almost sounds Stepford-wifey. It's actually a little creepy writing it down. Bear with me please. This is what I actually hoped!
I used to get mad at my mom as a kid because there was always SOMETHING! It never ended. Something to fix or something to finish or something to do better at. And being an adult is like endless paperwork. As soon as you've got a handle on something, something new comes up. Life could never be like, Oh, great job Keri! You're done. Noooo, it was endless. For example, I might finish a task and be able to check it off my list and then look down at the huge long list of other tasks, and it would discourage me.
I sometimes laugh at myself because I'm like, "Why don't I know this?" or "Why do I have so much paperwork to do and no one else does? Where is everyone's paperwork?" or "Why can't I just make money like right now?" "How does one go about doing this or that in the adult world?" "Why is everything so hard?" "Why can't I continue with my whole 75% effort thing and get away with it?" Ughh the questions. And, I feared that everyone else had already achieved their perfect selves, and I was sorely lacking and falling behind. For some reason, I assume that life is like the Truman Show, where everyone knows what the game is except for one person: me.
But, fortunately for me, that is not the case. I'll be honest and self-focused here. Life's been tough for the past 6 or so months. Emotionally I mean. I couldn't go anywhere without seeing gray and feeling a dullness that was rotting away at my insides. I was unhappy, and I realized, I haven't been for a long time. I'd have moments; almost everyone has moments where they can feel some happiness, but it was as if I was underwater and couldn't quite reach the shore. I'm sure many others can relate to this. And, I'd say about in January, after almost 10 years of this gray nonsense, something clicked. The sky was blue. I could see other people, other lives, whether happy ones or miserable ones. Moments of quick joy would pass through me like a growing warmth. I opened my eyes in the morning and the world was in color. I felt a love for myself and for others that was stronger than it ever had been. I could cut myself a little slack. And it's stuck with me. Everyone has their down moments, but I feel a hope I never had before. A hope for a better tomorrow while also enjoying today. I see the moments now and try not to let them slip away. Even today, at work, something happened. It's been pretty hectic, and I have one of those "jack-of-all-trades" jobs where everyone has something for me to do, so it can be easy to be pulled in all different directions, and my day gets filled up. Today, I had to work with the mail room guy to clean out an employee's desk and organize for the next person to take up residence there. This guy is in his late fifties, is super flirty, has a mental disability, and has the cheesiest jokes of all time. He's always smiling as he rounds every corner and his jokes are at the ready. And if you're a woman, he's ready to share them with you, nonstop. So, he and I had to clean out the desk. We've become comfortable with one another now (it's a bit disconcerting at first to have someone corner you with a knock knock joke on your first day in the office). But, I've gotten used to it. As we're working together, he's talking to himself and making all kinds of jokes, especially ones about Donald Trump (easy target). And, I feel myself focusing in on the moment and instead of brushing him off, I was listening and laughing and cleaning someone's desk at the same time. I even tried a few of my own jokes. He doesn't laugh as much as mine, but they're good. Just to hear the hallway fill with my laughter during a normal work day where nothing special has happened was such a soothing tonic to my soul. I wouldn't have traded that for the world. HAPPINESS FOR HAPPINESS' SAKE. What a gift. I wish it upon everyone.
I am a worrier, and those who are close to me, even those who are not close to me can attest to that. But, I realized that no matter how much I worry and plan, things will happen as they are supposed to. Whether they are bad or good. And that gave me such a beautiful feeling of freedom. I can just enjoy a moment in a hallway, cleaning a dusty desk and not worry what will happen 6 months from now. I can laugh and let joy course through me and enjoy my life for a change.
Life is life. That's life. It's not going to be easy, and it will never be perfect. I could be rich and famous, or maybe I won't. I could lose everything, or I could gain everything. I don't know. But I do know that my dream of waking up in the way I described earlier will never happen. I can only do the best I can do and not stand in my own way or anyone else's way to have a wonderful life. But, instead of waiting for it, RIGHT NOW I get to wake up with hope in my heart, and that's a blessing I will always be grateful for.
P.S. Wish me luck in the next few months! I'm working on where to go next! :)
I have a lot of exciting things on my plate at the moment, and I'm a bit in a tizzy on how to handle them all! I'm looking for my next step come this fall as well as trying to maintain an active teaching certificate, searching for a lucrative part time job, and trying to pursue my dream of being paid to write (AT LAST!)
If I've learned anything from these past months of return and reassimilation, it is this cliche: C'est la vie: Thus is life. It took a lot of hard accepting and understanding to come to this realization, but it has given me such an unbelievable freedom, that I don't quite know how to proceed with it. (typical me: at a loss). I used to think, and sometimes still do, that one day, not so very far off, I will step into my perfect self, the self I always dreamed of. I would wake up, and all would be well. The sun would be gleaming in on my perfectly white, clean, organized, and beautifully furnished bedroom. I would rise feeling so completely rested and excited to begin my day. My hair would just be wonderful, and I'd know exactly what to do with it. My makeup and outfit would be superb. I'd go and cook the most amazing breakfast that was both healthful and delicious. I would have so much time to do so, and then I would go and work at a job that I was good at and knew everything about and that made me a lot of money and that I loved. I would be in a location that I always wanted to be in. My friends would always think I was kind and hilarious, and I would help people and know about everything in the world and BLAH BLAH BLAH. This almost sounds Stepford-wifey. It's actually a little creepy writing it down. Bear with me please. This is what I actually hoped!
I used to get mad at my mom as a kid because there was always SOMETHING! It never ended. Something to fix or something to finish or something to do better at. And being an adult is like endless paperwork. As soon as you've got a handle on something, something new comes up. Life could never be like, Oh, great job Keri! You're done. Noooo, it was endless. For example, I might finish a task and be able to check it off my list and then look down at the huge long list of other tasks, and it would discourage me.
I sometimes laugh at myself because I'm like, "Why don't I know this?" or "Why do I have so much paperwork to do and no one else does? Where is everyone's paperwork?" or "Why can't I just make money like right now?" "How does one go about doing this or that in the adult world?" "Why is everything so hard?" "Why can't I continue with my whole 75% effort thing and get away with it?" Ughh the questions. And, I feared that everyone else had already achieved their perfect selves, and I was sorely lacking and falling behind. For some reason, I assume that life is like the Truman Show, where everyone knows what the game is except for one person: me.
But, fortunately for me, that is not the case. I'll be honest and self-focused here. Life's been tough for the past 6 or so months. Emotionally I mean. I couldn't go anywhere without seeing gray and feeling a dullness that was rotting away at my insides. I was unhappy, and I realized, I haven't been for a long time. I'd have moments; almost everyone has moments where they can feel some happiness, but it was as if I was underwater and couldn't quite reach the shore. I'm sure many others can relate to this. And, I'd say about in January, after almost 10 years of this gray nonsense, something clicked. The sky was blue. I could see other people, other lives, whether happy ones or miserable ones. Moments of quick joy would pass through me like a growing warmth. I opened my eyes in the morning and the world was in color. I felt a love for myself and for others that was stronger than it ever had been. I could cut myself a little slack. And it's stuck with me. Everyone has their down moments, but I feel a hope I never had before. A hope for a better tomorrow while also enjoying today. I see the moments now and try not to let them slip away. Even today, at work, something happened. It's been pretty hectic, and I have one of those "jack-of-all-trades" jobs where everyone has something for me to do, so it can be easy to be pulled in all different directions, and my day gets filled up. Today, I had to work with the mail room guy to clean out an employee's desk and organize for the next person to take up residence there. This guy is in his late fifties, is super flirty, has a mental disability, and has the cheesiest jokes of all time. He's always smiling as he rounds every corner and his jokes are at the ready. And if you're a woman, he's ready to share them with you, nonstop. So, he and I had to clean out the desk. We've become comfortable with one another now (it's a bit disconcerting at first to have someone corner you with a knock knock joke on your first day in the office). But, I've gotten used to it. As we're working together, he's talking to himself and making all kinds of jokes, especially ones about Donald Trump (easy target). And, I feel myself focusing in on the moment and instead of brushing him off, I was listening and laughing and cleaning someone's desk at the same time. I even tried a few of my own jokes. He doesn't laugh as much as mine, but they're good. Just to hear the hallway fill with my laughter during a normal work day where nothing special has happened was such a soothing tonic to my soul. I wouldn't have traded that for the world. HAPPINESS FOR HAPPINESS' SAKE. What a gift. I wish it upon everyone.
I am a worrier, and those who are close to me, even those who are not close to me can attest to that. But, I realized that no matter how much I worry and plan, things will happen as they are supposed to. Whether they are bad or good. And that gave me such a beautiful feeling of freedom. I can just enjoy a moment in a hallway, cleaning a dusty desk and not worry what will happen 6 months from now. I can laugh and let joy course through me and enjoy my life for a change.
Life is life. That's life. It's not going to be easy, and it will never be perfect. I could be rich and famous, or maybe I won't. I could lose everything, or I could gain everything. I don't know. But I do know that my dream of waking up in the way I described earlier will never happen. I can only do the best I can do and not stand in my own way or anyone else's way to have a wonderful life. But, instead of waiting for it, RIGHT NOW I get to wake up with hope in my heart, and that's a blessing I will always be grateful for.
P.S. Wish me luck in the next few months! I'm working on where to go next! :)
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