The Long Drawn Out Goodbye

I am a sentimental person. I think it comes from watching too many dramatic films, but it is also just me. And, I couldn't help but feel a warm fluttering as I drove away from our nation's capital with the Washington Monument in the background. I have been waiting for this day for a long time, and I remember the first day I drove all of my stuff down and saw it and kept saying to myself, "I did it! I did it!" I have this annoying habit of forgetting that I accomplish things I set my mind to. I don't set my mind intensely to too many things because disappointment is too shattering for me, but there are a few things that I have been able to achieve because of my drive and focus. I wanted to move to DC. So, therefore, I did it. It was a difficult year. Probably my hardest transition experience yet. And, after a long long LONG bout of self-pity and a daily tear-stained face, I was able to "buck up" and accept my situation. I think I'll change 'able to' to 'forced to' by life. It's physically impossible to be sad all of the time. I like to push those limits, but your body CANNOT withstand it because it wants to be happy. It wants to smile and experience life and have fun! I just had to listen to it. So, here I am, a year after my re-entry into the United States, a year of a long distance relationship, and I can say that I'm better for having had this experience (James, don't sigh). I've fought him on this for a long time, and he's right (see?) I had to do this to be able to see that it wasn't for me. I left DC with a bittersweet feeling, but it wasn't sad. I left happily, knowing that I accomplished what I wanted to do, but I'm ready to move on. For me, DC was like the work friend that you like and get along so well with at work, but in the end, once you leave, you never speak again. You give a hug and nod of recognition of all of the good times you've had, and then you move on.

I thought I was something that I wasn't really. I thought I "should" come home to do what I was supposed to do and find a settled life. But that's why I love the freshness and the new experiences, because things change and another layer of life or of yourself is pulled back and this amazing truth is revealed to you. It's such a treasure, and I have all of these gems of truths stored away in a special place so that I don't forget them. You can't pin me down. It's taken me a long time to realize this, but I do not fit into any sort of a box. My family's been telling me that kind of thing for years, and I thought it was a bad thing, because it's awkward to try to explain it to people who think you should fit in. But, alas, I do not. I don't want the standard life. I want the life that I want, and if it doesn't fit into the normal box, I will fit it into the shapeless turquoise sparkly "box" next to it that's much more fun. (Unfortunately, I've still got to do the boxy things like figure out how to pay U.S. taxes while abroad--blahhhh) I'm not running away from something despite what many people think. I'm running to something. I'm desperately running towards a different life, a life of uniqueness and creativity and spirit. A life of beauty and wonder and sentimentality. None of us have a super large long time on the Earth, and I know it's cliche, but why not use the time we have to do wonderful, amazing things that excite us and bring fire to our blood?! I'm tired of being afraid and cowering, thinking that I don't have what it takes to achieve my dreams. The high-strung free spirit (that's me), is going to take herself out there and give things a try.

One of my favorite things about moving to the U.S. was being with my friends and family again and being so close! If there was a big event, I could be there! If I just wanted to see someone for the weekend, I could. It was just what I needed-a year of revisiting relationships and spending time with the people whom I love and have been there for me. But, this year has also provided me with a new perspective on relationships. Just because I can't always be there this upcoming year while I'm in Taiwan (yay!), it doesn't mean I can't love or maintain relationships at home. This is who I am, and if I don't listen to the voice that's inside of me pushing me, then I will be only half of my true self.

Another great thing is that I absolutely loved my workplace. I'm used to working in places where there is tension and awkwardness and mean people (and every workplace has those), but here there was a lightness to the mood and a fun spirit in the air. People were kind and wanted to chat and weren't too stuffy even if they were lawyers. I was given a amazing and touching goodbye with a beautiful lunch on the docks in Alexandria, a couple of thoughtful gifts, and an endless amount of encouraging words and support. I feel like working as an office assistant this past year brought some stability to my life as I made my transition to home and to a new place. I will never forget my experiences there, and that job was just what I needed just at the right time. 

Well, now I've moved back into the old homestead, so that Bruce and Becky can now go on their final "patrol" before I head off once again to Taipei. I've got to sell a large portion of my belongings and savor a month of freedom before I head to a new job, which will be a difficult one, not counting the whole dramatic transition time. If I have a daily tear-stained face for a while, don't judge me too harshly. It's hard to move, even if I love it and feel like it's the right thing. The hardest part is knowing how much I will miss and hoping that everyone at home knows how much I care, even though I'm off doing some "crazy" thing.

Time to begin a new chapter of life. As my blog title states: Live the Life You Imagine. I can be so wise sometimes.